he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
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You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
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You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument