The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly