I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He passed out mid-signature
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
