I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
