Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you didnt know i had herpes?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
