I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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