I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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