I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
