Im at strip club and am horny
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
