Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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