garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
