According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
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Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
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