Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
