I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He better not be in your backpack
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
