we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
