1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
