eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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