my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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