He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
