no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
