My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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