ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
