i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
