just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
