Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
