Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
