Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
