If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
