: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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