this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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