420 ftw
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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