i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
