Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
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I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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