there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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