Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
