I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
