Apparently you make a good broom.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My cat gives me a boner
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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