On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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