I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
