You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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