paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
