I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
