I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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