Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
