Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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