Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
