remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
