Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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