well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You brought string cheese to the strip club
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Come on in and take your pants off
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