Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
