he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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