You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
