Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
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We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
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But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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