I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
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I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
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I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I love you.
Bad choice
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